2009 Stanley Cup Playoffs: First Round Predictions
Unlike the degenerate gamblers who read this stuff so they can make well-informed betting decisions, sports writers aren’t risking all that much when making predictions. When we turn out to be right, we get to brag about it and our credibility increases in the minds of our readers. When we’re wrong, it gets swept under the rug and rarely does anyone care enough to remember (unless you’re one of the degenerates who lost a lot of money… soooooo sorry). If someone does call me out on making a foolish pick, I can always claim “Opposite Day!” and leave it at that. So here we go with my Stanley Cup Playoff predictions for the first round:
WESTERN CONFERENCE
(1) San Jose Sharks vs. (8) Anaheim Ducks
What’s worse – being a fan of a team that sucks every year no questions asked, or being a fan of a team that always does well in the regular season only to frustrate the hell out of you with one playoff failure after another? The San Jose Sharks are the hockey equivalent to a girl you meet at a bar who seems like a sure thing all night, but brings you nothing but disappointment in the end. The Sharks’ playoff failures have been attributed to a lack of mental toughness (the girl could be crazy), injuries (she could have a STD), or the belief that the team is just better suited for regular season success and doesn’t have the complete package necessary to win when everything’s on the table (she’s a tease). The Sharks have grown more impressive with each passing season of dominant play over the 82-game schedule… the question is – how thick are your beer goggles this time around? Personally, my standards are never that high anyway. Sharks in 6.
(2) Detroit Red Wings vs. (7) Columbus Blue Jackets
Columbus making the playoffs for the first time in franchise history is the feel-good story of the NHL season thus far. Unlike your typical Adam Sandler movie, however, this one will not end with the underdog on top. Instead, picture Billy Madison being sent to a madhouse after he’s diagnosed with schizophrenia, thus preventing him from passing the 12th grade and allowing Eric to take over Madison Hotels. It was, indeed, much too hot for a penguin to be just walking around. Or let’s say instead of surviving the hit-and-run on the 9th hole and going on to win the gold jacket, Happy Gilmore dies in a much more violent accident orchestrated by that same hit man hired by Shooter McGavin. Turns out Shooter took the hit man up on his offer to buy dinner at Red Lobster, and they upped the anti on Happy’s head over some shrimp cocktails. Grandma doesn’t get her house back, and the Wings will win in a sweep.
(3) Vancouver Canucks vs. (6) St. Louis Blues
These are the two hottest teams in hockey heading into the playoffs, but that’s where the similarities end. The Canucks have overcome the consistency issues that plagued them in the first half of the season, and they’re the team I’m picking to go all the way. The Blues, on the other hand, have shocked everyone just by making the playoffs and are another one of those feel-good stories. This is one of those series where many of the so-called experts will try to look like geniuses by calling for an upset. Don’t be fooled. Having avoided injuries late in the season, Vancouver boasts the deepest lineup from the goaltender on out heading into round 1. How many teams can match the Canucks in goal right now? Not to mention Pinky & the Brain (the Sedin twins), who have been absolutely tearing it up the past couple months. The Blues have better luck seeing a normal-sized ass when Keith Tkachuk shows up for training camp next year than seeing the 2nd round. Canucks in six.
(4) Chicago Blackhawks vs. (5) Calgary Flames
This strikes me as the most intriguing matchup in the West, because I don’t know what to expect from either team. The Flames are an enigma to this point, having cruised their way to a 13 point lead on the Northwest Division in the first half before playing horribly down the stretch and surrendering the division to Vancouver. The Blackhawks are an up-and-coming team to be sure, but this will likely go down as nothing more than a learning experience for first-timers Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews. What’s more important for Chicago (and the NHL) – the Blackhawks led the entire NHL in attendance this season, averaging 22,247 fans per game. Also notable: former Maple Leaf great Anders Eriksson is expected to suit up for Calgary in game 1. Flames in six.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
(1) Boston Bruins vs. (8) Montreal Canadiens
As a diehard Habs fan, this is tough for me to say, but based on what I’ve witnessed throughout the season, I cannot come up with a realistic angle or scenario from which I can see Montreal winning this series (believe me, I’ve tried). I’m having an easier time believing that, after finishing 1st in the entire Eastern Conference no less than a year ago, the Canadiens are trying to hustle the Bruins, hoping Boston will take them lightly due to their lackluster play over the 2nd half. Maybe I’ve been inspired by an episode of Fresh Prince I saw recently, where Uncle Phil hustles the pool shark that won money off Will. Bob Gainey might just have some Uncle Phil in him. Bruins in 6.
(2) Washington Capitals vs. (7) New York Rangers
The Capitals have the best player in the NHL in Alexander Ovechkin and a strong supporting cast highlighted by other rising superstars like Alex Semin, Nicklas Backstrom and Mike Green. Despite this wealth of talent, people aren’t sold on the Caps for one reason – Jose Theodore. Before he was wheeling Paris ‘ilton and partying his way out of Montreal, Theodore was one of the best goalies in the league who stole a couple series for the Habs over the heavily favored Bruins. Many would be surprised to learn he is still the last goalie to win the Hart Trophy as league MVP, which he did back in 2002. Theodore’s performance in recent years, however, makes it tough to picture Washington coming out of the East. The Rangers aren’t being given much of a chance in this series due to their lack of offence (Nik Antropov led the team in scoring with 59 points), but they do have some savvy veterans with good playoff resumes (Chris Drury, Scott Gomez). Don’t overlook Henrik Lundqvist either. Sources tell me he’s the handsomest goalie in the league and he’s got the ability to win games on his own. Rangers in 7.
(3) New Jersey Devils vs. (6) Carolina Hurricanes
“OOOOWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHH…” (…Your basic fake yawn move right there, which is always obnoxious more often than it is funny, because the person who is expressing their boredom usually holds it for too long and they look like an asshole pretending to stretch). Unless you’re David Puddy (“gotta support the team”), this series is hands down the least interesting of the first round. It’s never easy to bet against Brodeur, but look for Cam Ward to be the difference for Carolina. Hurricanes in 7.
(4) Pittsburgh Penguins vs. (5) Philadelphia Flyers
This should turn out to be the best series of them all. Philly is very well balanced up front and has tremendous scoring depth, while the Pens unquestionably have the two best players in the series and the better goalie. After puzzling the hockey world with their inconsistent play for most of the season, the Pens seemed to find their groove right when they needed to. They surged up to 4th place all the way from 10th, and another deep run in the playoffs seems likely. Sports fans who’ve been around for a few years love to look back on the greatest players of all-time and celebrate the success they had in their prime. We saw Jordan and Gretzky do many special things during their championship dynasty years with the Bulls and Oilers. More recently, how awesome was it when Lebron James scored 29 of the Cavs’ final 30 points in a Conference Finals win over the Pistons 2 years ago? The great ones all have their moments, and Sidney Crosby has the ability to put up 5 or 6 points on some nights. I think we could be in store for some legendary performances on the big stage. Penguins in 6.
FINALS PREDICTION (take one) – Vancouver Canucks defeat Pittsburgh Penguins in 7 games.
Written By: Sin City